Letting her go

growing up is a strange thing.
you can grow up suddenly in a space of a few days
or slowly and steadily through a space of years.
you never know.
and when the change happens you can never go back nor would you want to.
priorities change
values change
you start to want different things.
im there right now.
ive been arriving here for eight months.
what used to turn me on just doesnt do it for me.
its not exactly that im sick of myself haha. its actually that i love myself now

and i am not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations
or damage myself to get somewhere im not even sure i want to go.
or spend time with people i fear or people i know i wont like.

now i feel that ive fallen in love with my life instead.
im gonna stop trying to micromanage my future and im going to relax.
this last year has taught me alot of things.
who i am not anymore. who i dont want to become. who i really am. and what i want for my future.

i want a much bigger life than that.
what IS important is that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again. and have fun doing the things that i love to do. life is too short to worry. i need to roll with the punches.
im anxious and excited to redefine what i am doing right now and to begin the next phase of what i hope to become very big life filled with all of the things i care about.
i feel that this moment is like walking from one room to the next and shutting the door.
and what demons and mistakes and scars are in that room can no longer hurt me.

im retiring the girl who kept so much drama in her life that she wouldnt have to feel anything.
im retiring the girl who played characters in order to be what she thought people wanted.
im retiring the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her.

im retiring the angry screaming terror that helped me fight for my life.
im retiring the jaded girl who doesnt believe in anything or anyone.
im retiring the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility.
im retiring the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin.

im leaving them behind.

i dont need you girls anymore. but thankyou for getting me this far.
im shutting the door on you.

my life is beautiful because im letting it be beautiful. and im allowing it to happen.
and im taking all the good lessons. of hard work. patience. passion. fire. and faith with me.
i want to spend my time doing what makes me happy.. whatever that is.