What looks like crazy

I got a letter from my love and he gave me his password to go on his MySpace. So I will try again. I hope his friends write him. He has been so lonely and feels like no one cares. It's been a year but at least I will be able to say I did everything that I could. I worked today and it was not the best of days to be honest. But I really don't want to get into that right now. A man with tattoos came in a spider web and praying hands. I think the spider web means he has been in prison or struggled with addictions or problems. And the praying hands could mean he is Christian or a memorial for someone as well. To him personally what these things mean I didn't ask he was just a water guy but he was a very nice person he asked me how I was and said I seemed quiet today. At least he noticed I was frazzled and not having a good day. I wish I would have asked about the tattoos but I think his boss was with him. Tattoos fascinate me because they are silent stores. They tell of peoples lives and loves there ups and downs where they've been and where they would like to go. There is something so fascinating about telling a silent story on your body for the world to see then just writing words for the world to read. I myself want a tattoo. My first will be a star. I want it on my wrist. I've decided this because I feel like I am shooting for the stars. I have big dreams and want something more. But my love is my shining star he has guided my way and always has some nugget of advice for me that makes me think he is right. Sometimes he knows what's best for me before I even do. Then this couple I think came in and the guy was lean and had blonde streaks in his hair and a pierced ear and asked if we had a garbage so he could throw his cup away and I said yes and took the cup from him and then he said it was a lovely store and his girlfriend had long black hair. I think there is something so exotic about long black hair. I like the red I dyed my hair but in some light it doesn't look red enough but other times it looks perfect. I will keep it this way for a while longer and then I will be on to something else and try to reinvent myself yet again. Then this guy came in and being the dope I am I accidently knocked stuff over and I think he thought I was nervous around him or something because he told me he was looking for something for his girlfriend but I was not nervous I just had low blood sugar and felt like I was about to pass out because I was starving and did not eat lunch yet and I was frazzled about events that happened earlier in the day with my aunt. Then some other people came in and called with bad attitudes. And it seems like negativity transfers negativity. I hate that because then it puts me in a bad mood until I can get away from it and find some solace. But I came home and I bought some shorts because I don't have any but I found a pair that I really like that make me look hot and I feel good about myself in them so that put a smile on my face. So that's my day. I'm glad it's over it was exhausting but except for a few bouts here and there it was not too bad of a day. Oh yes and I read a book today called what looks like Crazy from Charlotte Hughes. She is a good author the book is funny. About a therapist whose patients are always doing something to her? One tries to blow her up one almost runs her over another's boyfriend tries to beat her up and then she is divorced from a firefighter her ex boyfriend who she works with is always trying to get into her pants and her mother and aunt are crazy people that collect junk. It's kind of funny really. But I did enjoy it.

Fate

Today was day 1 of my macrobiotic rice fast. Not that it is a real fast just eating rice and eating as macrobiotic as possible. All these thoughts and feelings and emotions where whirling around me today. All these emotions and thoughts came pouring out of me today both good and bad. I cried I wanted to run away I didn't want to think anymore but I hung on and I'm glad I did. Instead I decided to embrace my feelings my emotions and my thoughts I decided to face them instead of running away as usual. I know it's the only way I'll conquer my life is by facing my life. It was happy and painful. A mix of emotions an array of feelings thoughts flowing But I made it through. I realized I miss my love so much. I already knew that but today I really felt it and I let myself feel it. I didn't try to contain it or cover it up. It came in many forms. But underneath it all was a longing. I just miss him. Under all the complex emotions it was simple. Then once I realized that all these thoughts came flowing back to me memories really just made me remember why I adore him and love him.

Serendipity

1.	An aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

2.	Good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.

Fate:

1.	Something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.

2.	The universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.

3.	That which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.

4.	A prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.

5.	Death, destruction, or ruin.

6.	The Fates, Classical Mythology. The three goddesses of destiny, known to the Greeks as the Moerae and to the Romans as the Parcae.

The first day I saw my love was the first day of the rest of my life. I knew I was going to marry him one day. I prayed to the lord that if we really where meant to be and he was the one then let me see him outside of school so I can have a reason to talk with him. I saw him at the oberweis and knew it was fate or destiny. I knew that we where meant to spend out lives together. I still know this is true. I remember the first time we spoke. It was a Monday we where standing outside of school it was November a dark and chilly day. I walked up to him and we started chatting. The rest is history as they say. I remember when he gave me a pin he said an angel for my angel. I guess in some ways I am his angel and I love he thinks of me like that. But he is my angel as well in many ways. I remember when he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I was totally shocked we had discussed marriage and getting engaged here and there but I didn't think he would propose. He did and I said yes of course why wouldn't I marrying him was my dream after all. Then we shared a kiss. Then one day he asked me to close my eyes and I opened them to find this beautiful ring on my finger. This was concrete now it sealed the deal he wanted to spend his life with me and he still does. I feel so lucky to be his and for him to be mine. Always and forever

Others are affected by what I am say and do. And these others also have the sphere of influence. So what a single act of mine may spread in widening circles thorough a nation or humanity.

W.E. Channing

In all sorts of husks and shells, hard, withered, dead, god sees a goodness we are always missing.

Robert Coyller

7.	To predetermine, as by the decree of fate; destine (used in the passive): a person who was fated to be the savior of the country.

Sex and the city

Tomorrow I'm going to start 3 day macrobiotic rice fast. I'm doing it more for spiritual reasons then weight loss. I hear it's like meditating for 3 years straight only without the actual meditation. I am intrigued by this concept so I thought I would give it a whirl. I'm excited to start this journey. Now I'm not saying I'll stick to it 100% lord knows I'm not perfect and I've got my whims. So we shall see but I will still try to stay as macrobiotic as possible. I want to get the full effects but I'm a little worried about what thoughts and emotions will come out. I hear it clears up a lot of the mental clutter and really makes you think and feel. I'm wondering if this is good or bad. But I'm excited to see what comes out of me these next few days.

I went to see sex and the city tonight. I LOVED it. It is defiantly like the show. Lots of girl talk and sex and very inspiring in many ways Carrie inspired me to write. But it made me miss my man. I don't want to give it away but let's say it reminded me a lot of my relationship with Carrie and Big and I hope we have the same happy ending but I feel like we will.

Rules to live by

The manifesto

1. Be honest- very important
2. Believe in fairytales- I believe in fairytales it's hard to think in happy endings but they are possible
3. Accept time as your friend and not your enemy- so true. Often times we are running around racing to do this or that. Or we are waiting for something to happen judging how much time we have to do stuff. But the truth is you never know what will happen so it's good to relax and not try to fight with time because you will inevitably lose anyway.
4. Promote beauty weigh the campaign against ugliness- I don't quite get this one. But I think it means to see the beauty in things and to promote seeing beautiful things.
5. Abandon the pursuit of happiness- because happiness is an emotion it comes and goes it's not tangible and real it's a feeling. Like being sad and angry they are feelings not things we can do. But you can pursue dreams that can hopefully make you happy. But being happy is something already there inside of us not something to be found. "You make yourself happy" Like peace and spirituality it can't be found in a church or a book or even our mind it's already there just waiting for us to make use of it.
6. Make sure the nookies good- this made me smile. But it's so true!
7. Show compassion- it's important to show kindness to others and even to you. All people are guilty of having bad days and not being kind or nice but even a smile or simple hello can really change your day around. Putting yourself in other people's shoes realizing things are not as bad as they sometimes seem.
8. Be willing to admit when you are wrong- so many people want to be right that they never admit when they shouldn't have said or done something. But a part of life is taking responsibility for your words and actions and saying sorry when you know you are wrong.

Summer

Thou can not change one little drop that heaven has mixed for thee, however bitter the cup, it may thy healing be. And in its dregs the soul at last its sweetest hope may see.

I want to feel the sun on my face. I want to feel the wind blowing in my hair. I want to walk on the beach and feel the sand underneath my feet. I want to smell the lake. I want to spend forever in his arms. I want to dance under the moon and stars. I want to stand in the rain and wash yesterday away.

Letting her go

growing up is a strange thing.
you can grow up suddenly in a space of a few days
or slowly and steadily through a space of years.
you never know.
and when the change happens you can never go back nor would you want to.
priorities change
values change
you start to want different things.
im there right now.
ive been arriving here for eight months.
what used to turn me on just doesnt do it for me.
its not exactly that im sick of myself haha. its actually that i love myself now

and i am not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations
or damage myself to get somewhere im not even sure i want to go.
or spend time with people i fear or people i know i wont like.

now i feel that ive fallen in love with my life instead.
im gonna stop trying to micromanage my future and im going to relax.
this last year has taught me alot of things.
who i am not anymore. who i dont want to become. who i really am. and what i want for my future.

i want a much bigger life than that.
what IS important is that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again. and have fun doing the things that i love to do. life is too short to worry. i need to roll with the punches.
im anxious and excited to redefine what i am doing right now and to begin the next phase of what i hope to become very big life filled with all of the things i care about.
i feel that this moment is like walking from one room to the next and shutting the door.
and what demons and mistakes and scars are in that room can no longer hurt me.

im retiring the girl who kept so much drama in her life that she wouldnt have to feel anything.
im retiring the girl who played characters in order to be what she thought people wanted.
im retiring the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her.

im retiring the angry screaming terror that helped me fight for my life.
im retiring the jaded girl who doesnt believe in anything or anyone.
im retiring the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility.
im retiring the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin.

im leaving them behind.

i dont need you girls anymore. but thankyou for getting me this far.
im shutting the door on you.

my life is beautiful because im letting it be beautiful. and im allowing it to happen.
and im taking all the good lessons. of hard work. patience. passion. fire. and faith with me.
i want to spend my time doing what makes me happy.. whatever that is.

Freedom

Here is a prayer I found that I wanted to share.
Dear God, I give this day to you. May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit. May I not be tempted to stray from love as I begin this day I open to receive you. Please enter where you already abide. May my mind and heart be pure and true and may I not deviate from the things of goodness. May I see the love and innocence in all mankind, behind the masks we all wear and the illusions of this worldly plane? I surrender to you my doings this day. I ask that I only serve your and the healing of the world. May I bring your love and goodness with me? To give unto others wherever I go Make me the person you would have me be. Direct my footsteps, and show me what you would have me do. Make the world a safer, more beautiful place. Bless all your creatures. Heal us all, and use me, dear lord that I might know the joy of being used by you. Amen
Taken from the foreword from the best life diet by Bob Greene which was taken from Illuminata: a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson.

started the macrobiotic diet not totally but am trying to get into the swing of things. They say it's not good to go full force anyway you have to implement new changes slowly. I really like the macrobiotic because it's not just about what you eat which are mostly whole grains and vegetables but there is no such thing as depriving yourself if your body needs something then you eat it. The philosophy behind the macrobiotic is the yin and yang and Taoism. I have always been interested in different religions and spirituality and I am a Christian but I love that it combines philosophy with eating right. It's so interesting and it's not about what you believe because there is one higher power no matter what you call that power. It's about getting in tune with that higher power which I think is fascinating. It's about freedom which I've been striving for. Freedom to choose

I'm also started Mariel Hemingway's book finding my balance. I also find it fascinating because it combines the spiritual with the way you eat. How all things connect? What you eat your exercise your silent or meditation time and your home. There is this contract in the beginning that I made to myself today and I want to write it here.
I agree to be kind to myself the four weeks following these suggestions. I agree to put myself first. To treat myself with compassion and patience I would treat a close friend. To drop the harsh criticism I put on myself when I look in the mirror or eat something bad or I am not perfect at everything I do. I agree to act like I am my own best friend. If I catch myself saying something mean to myself I pledge to ask myself would I say this to my best friend.

Taken from Healthy living from the inside out by Mariel Hemingway

My evening

Tonight I went for a walk. It was a lovely night. I was walking and saw this bunny. At first I thought it was a statue it was so still and then it started moving and hoping around. The fireflies where flying all around. The moon was full and bright I could see it even though it wasn't completely dark out yet. And someone was playing jazz music. It felt like a scene from a movie or something. It was really lovely.

7 things to do before I'm 30

7 things to do before I’m 30~

1. Get my GED Go to college for music/acting
2. Get married
3. Have children
4. Get a tattoo
5. Travel
6. Have a career songwriting/acting/modeling/music education/worship music
7. Become myself find myself and become the person I’m meant to be show my true self

How I met the one

I was reading Mariel Hemingway's book finding my balance and I've heard this many times before in one version or another. About what it's like when we find our soul mates. I've always heard that time stops or slows down and you instantly know you are going to marry that person one day. And that's exactly the way I felt when I met my fiancé. I first saw him 7 almost 8 years ago. We went to the same school. He was walking out of the building and all of a sudden it was like time just stopped or slowed down and all I could focus on was him. I remember thinking to myself in a passing thought it was nothing I said out loud that one day I was going to Marry him. It seemed odd to me because that was the first time I saw him I hadn't even spoken to him at that point so it seemed strange me thinking I would marry him. But then I kept seeing him at school and then I thought to myself well the only way I'll talk to him is if I see him away from school and I prayed to the lord "if I'm meant to be with this man and if I really am meant to marry him then please let me see him somewhere else so that I can talk to him." Well I was out with some friends one night and we went to Oberweis to get some ice cream. Out of nowhere there he is coming out of the bathroom leaving oberweiss and passed right by us. So that next Monday I spoke to him. We where friends for a year and then we started dating. Now that I ponder it is really does seem like it was all meant to be. I feel like every time I pray about it I get the same answer that he is my soul mate and he is the one.

Have a beautiful day my love

This girl walked in the store looking for stuff from the fifties for her sister’s birthday. She came over to me and said “don’t you get bored here all day alone? I said “yes” She said “do you have any bored games I’d play with you? “No.” I said. “I like your tattoo it is real? I asked. “No but I wish it was she said. Can you tell what it is? I look at it. I think I know but I’m too scared to say anything I say “I’m not sure.” She says “sure you can.” Making me feel like I can do anything and know everything. “It’s an m she says.” I thought so I say, is that a d? “No it’s a 5 everyone thinks it’s a d she says. It is my 5 favorite loves.” I remember the first and last. The first the lord I admire that not many people put the lord first but here was this lively girl who loved life and the lord. I was awe inspired by her kind of star struck in a way. The last “my love” is all she said. I think she asked me if there was anywhere I spent time so we could spend it together I freeze up like the shy girl I can be at the worst of times. I can’t think I say no. I feel so guilty maybe I missed my chance to be friends with this lovely girl. She’s about to walk out she has to be off to other things I think and say to myself I cant let her go I need to try something I shock myself and say “wait, this might sound strange but do you have an e-mail? She says “no it’s a waste of time she likes to go out and experience life just a fake e-mail that’s all.” Off she goes out the door only leaving a “Have a beautiful day my love.” She is gone and I feel bad I should have given her my number. I need this positive girl this god loving girl back in my life. I miss this stranger I only knew briefly. But she is gone and doesn’t return. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again. I hope so. So I will say to you have a beautiful day my loves.